Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
