At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
