Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
