Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
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