I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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