Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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