I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
