i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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