proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
