Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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