i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
