Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
