the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dicks are not precious.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
