I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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