By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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