just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
