I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
