Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
