just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
