He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
