mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
