Yo dont text me then not text me
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
