I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
