Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
