I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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