he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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