she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
