drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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