(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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