Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
