Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
