He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize