omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
