R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
