I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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