So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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