i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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