Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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