Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
