Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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