To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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