remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
