If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
