i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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