So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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