Where is the hickey?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
