So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
