a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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