How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
