I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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