Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
