I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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