i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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