i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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