For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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