there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
