Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
