Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
