Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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